Appeasing

I generally like who I am. And I hate myself.

Because no one sees me. So I hate me as they hate me.

If they knew me as I know me, they would see me.

So why the contradiction?

It's easy. I'm fucked up. I have a personality disorder: Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD.

The contradiction is a result of being forced to be a person, or to develop a personality, that appeased a tyrannical, abusive monster. And to present that person/personality so convincingly that I survived another day.

Now what's left of me. I'm 63 years old. I have not mastered the chore of living who I am. I have not fully developed the personality of that child who was so wildly energetic and intrigued by every nuance. I hardly remember that she ever existed.

I'm caught between the causes and effects of two personalities. i still have only one focus... to survive. To appease the monster.

On August 6, 1969, the monster died and my reason for living was buried with her. I had to replace her because I had no idea how to survive otherwise.

So I did. And I appeased until the day I could take no more abuse. I walked away, only to pursue the next monster.

Time and time again I did this. If I wasn't being abused, I was the abuser. Every single personal as well as professional relationship was a recreation of that need, that prerequisite, to survive.

How do I survive today? Who is the monster? It is me. And I'm tiring from the abuse. And I may have to walk away.